Hotline Help: My Wife’s Face Is Ugly!
Thank you for contacting ‘The Ugly Mug I Married’ hotline.
Before we begin — and because your safety is of utmost importance to us — I want to ensure that you are not being triggered or at risk of self-harm due to your wife’s face. If you are feeling any micro-aggression or aesthetic trauma, please let me know and I will connect you with our emergency response team who can remove you, S.W.A.T-style, from the situation.
(Pause) I am glad to hear that, sir. I commend your courage.
Now, back to business: You mention that your wife’s face has become ugly, and you no longer like looking at it. Can you be a bit more specific sir? Is it the entire visage you find troubling? The state of her skin? Crow’s feet around the eyes? The mouth? Creases in the forehead? Has her nose grown in length or width, or sprouted witch-like warts? (It’s been known to happen — a rare, mostly post-menopausal occurrence.)
Has she become jowly? Developed a turkey wattle or secondary chin?
Or perhaps the opposite extreme: Has her face gotten all pointy and hard? Has she lost the dewy glow of youth, suppleness of cheek and lip? Cheekbones are lovely, as long as they’re holding something up. Otherwise, well, we use the term “hatchet face.”
Is it her expression you find troubling? Does she smile less? Frown more? Look down her nose? Roll her eyes? Are you being denied the look of spousal adoration you most certainly deserve?
How are you holding up, sir? We appreciate your candor. The blunter you are, the better. Think Rodney Dangerfield’s ‘my wife is so ugly’ routine. No, it’s not insulting to your wife. You are the one being insulted on a regular basis. A person can only take so much.
What’s that? Well, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but yes, there are things we can do — all dependent on the severity of ugliness, of course. Treatments can range from fillers to injections of paralyzing toxins to drug therapies that can lull faces into more appealing, semi-vegetative states. And in extreme cases, a wee bit of lobotomization may be an option. One of our mottos around here is “Think less — look your best!”
Now, just a bit of context to wrap things up: Have others noticed your wife’s escalating ugliness? Does she frighten small children? Alarm friends and family members? Stop clocks or make those dining out lose their appetite?
Are there instances that tend to bring on particularly heinous facial conditions? When you speak, perhaps? Complain about meals or your mother-in-law? Belch, pass gas or clip your toenails in bed? Any correlations you’ve noted?
I see… Yes, unsolicited advice and commentary on the ugliness itself can indeed make things uglier. It’s a theory that’s been tested and verified by concerned husbands like yourself.
I’m going to get a bit personal, now: While I don’t have the pleasure of speaking to you face-to-face, I am quite confident that you, sir, are most attractive. (Giggle) I can just tell that you have kept yourself up exceedingly well. Am I right?
Which makes it all the more shameful that you find yourself in the company of ugly. I can’t imagine the distress and discomfort you’ve endured. It’s truly heartbreaking! (Sniffle)
But that’s what we’re here for, sir. To help you cope. Provide support. Paper bags and blindfolds, as needed.
Before we sign off and I input your feedback on the unfortunate decline of your bride’s face, one final question, if I may: On a scale of one to 10, with 1 being uncomfortable yet bearable, meaning the facial unpleasantness can be blurred by removing your glasses or downing an extra evening cocktail, and 10 being complete, bile-rising revulsion — how would you rate the current state of your wife’s face?
Oh my. While the scale doesn’t go to 15, I will most certainly note the severity of your situation, sir. Rest assured, help is on the way.
