What NOT to Say in a Post-Pandemic World

There are certain things that may never return post-pandemic: Salad bars. Mosh pits. Public drinking fountains. Handshakes and 40 hour in-office work weeks.

Some we’ll miss, others not so much.

There’s also a whole lexicon of business vernacular that must be quarantined indefinitely. For starters:

1. CROWDSOURCE. We get it: You want input — and the brilliant solutions that emerge from collective thinking. But it’s difficult to social distance in a crowd — or on the deck of a cruise ship. Source it six feet apart, folks.

2. TOUCH BASE. No touching! Connect, contact, ping — but no touching, please.

3. OPEN THE KIMONO. Nobody wants anything open anymore, trust us. Not the front of kimonos, the back of hospital gowns, or zippers on Zoom calls. Keep things buttoned up, please.

4. ON THE SAME PAGE. We appreciate the well-intended urge for consensus, solidarity and accord, so the same page gets a pass; provided you’re not reading over one another’s shoulder — or licking your finger to turn the holy grail page.

5. GOING VIRAL. Your marketing launch may be going great. Your tweets and blogs may be racking up followers and likes. But for the love of Dr. Fauci and N-95 masks, let’s NOT go viral ever again.

6. KILLER APP. A variation of sorts on ‘going viral,’ and similarly offensive. I suggest we moonwalk this one back and try out ‘thriller app.’

7. MOVE THE NEEDLE. Unless you’re talking about vaccines — and have a valid, boosted card to show for it — needles should stay out of boardrooms, factory floors, and retail establishments.

8. SHOT IN THE ARM. (See above)

9. POSITIVE RESULTS. I know, I know. It’s hard to keep up, and it seems counterintuitive — like when bad meant good and phat became desirable. But COVID-19 testing has ruined positivity for all of us. Positive=Bad. Negative=Good. And don’t even get us started on false positives, which aren’t exactly negative, but no bueno however you spin it.

10. DROP DEAD DATE. We’ll grant you that it’s dramatic, imperative, with a certain fatalistic flair that may spur your team to action. But give this one a rest — in the morgue of morbid phrasing.

11. HERD MENTALITY/FOLLOWING THE HERD. First: Customers aren’t cattle and stakeholders aren’t sheep. Secondly: The term calls to mind the promise of herd immunity, which hasn’t worked out so well — at least not yet. Time to put this one out to pasture.

12. NEW NORMAL. Nothing’s normal anymore. Not much is new. And every time we anticipate the dawn of either, we’ve been disappointed. Let’s get used to uncertainty, abnormality and the same old, same old. ‘Business as usual,’ anyone?